At 10 weeks post-partum (posh way to describe after childbirth) I am very familiar with the things that they don’t tell you so I will share some more of my wisdom: Constipation and Haemorrhoids. Neither pleasant. Having really big ‘number 2’s’ (sorry there is no intelligent way of describing this) is also, weirdly, a common side-effect. Experiencing all three at the same time is …well …. I am sure you can imagine. It is nearly as bad as the birth itself. And the embarrassment of blocking the toilet after said big number 2 just adds the delightful icing on the cake. My relationship with J has entered a whole new level after giving birth to #BabyBear. I was expecting to have conversations about poo – I just was not expecting my own to be the main talking point.

Breastfeeding is the single most unattractive and un-sexy think to do with one’s own mammary glands. Fact. Actually, expressing milk is. Attaching a small machine, rather than a baby, probably wins this one. I don’t express often. I still have some kind of life and better things to do – like plucking my facial hair and looking for grey hairs. On my head not on my face. Grey facial hairs would just be too much to cope with – a double whammy of despair. When I add my flabby belly and stretch marks to this picture I feel really, rather good about myself (sarcastic tone). I was feeling a little bit of joy about my own body when the numbers on the scale were tumbling but it seems that I have hit a plateau. I am at 100kg and I would like to be 90kg and I have established that to get to double figures and out of triple I may actually have to put some effort in. At my fittest and leanest in 2010 I was 88kg – overweight according to the NHS. Currently I am officially obese. So, like my Dad states that the map must be wrong whenever he gets lost, in this instance the NHS weight charts are wrong. Well kind of wrong.

J in his own way is being really supportive of my current despair at my own body. He said he would give me £100 for every kilo I lose from now on. I wish he had said this at the birth – I would be rolling in it by now! I did, however, also try to explain to him that this was not necessarily the best thing for him to say. He made this declaration in front of my Mother; she was not overly impressed with her son-in-law at that point. What he was meant to say to me was that I am incredibly beautiful and sexy and that I don’t need to lose any more weight. So, whilst he was trying to be supportive and motivational, he may just have had the opposite effect. He has now also declared that he is quite chuffed that I have not lost any weight since announcing this target. His money is still safely in his pocket. Again, not necessarily the correct response. He also brought me two more macaroni cheese meals earlier this week and is currently at the supermarket buying me ice-cream. I think he is sabotaging my quest to lose this 10kg so that he does not have to pay up.

#JeffTheFern has grown. Yes, that is right, he has actually got bigger. He is now not so ridiculously tiny in his pot and is filling it a bit more appropriately. I think he may be displaying to the new fern that he is boss; that he is the alpha male, he is the Silver Back gorilla. Do not mess with Jeff.

#Boris is now prime minister. Do I share my political opinions with you? Or do I just stay quiet. How do I cry silently through the power of the written word? How do I weep with despair and anxiety via this blog? But it is ok because apparently #Boris got us through the London riots (whilst he was on holiday in Canada I believe), and he delivered the 2012 Olympics. Did he? Impressive. And we got the Boris Bikes – that I think Ken Livingstone actually instigated – So we are ok. I think that if Ian Hislop and Paul Merton can be brought in to his cabinet then it will be ok because we can get through this as if it is actually just a long episode of ‘Have I Got News for You’. That would be ok. And the Guardian could bring back their weekly feature that they used to run on George Bush Jnr – just full of his gaff’s – #Boris would supply ample material. That would be entertaining. So really everything is completely fine and this country is not a laughing stock. Apart from the American’s who are now laughing at us and getting their own back after we laughed at them. I had best just run this blog by Jacob Rees Mogg to make sure that all is sufficient with my grammar, …….I will just add another coma , and another, and, another. That should annoy him.

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