My last personal blog was written a whole three months ago so I thought it was about time I picked up the pen again, metaphorically speaking, and give you all an update on #BabyBear and #JeffTheFern.

A lot has happened in three months. Firstly, I have lost over two stone. Amazing! And I lost the first stone really, really quickly. I have always enjoyed the idea of losing weight (to fit in to clothes I once wore when I was fit and trim) but never really translated the idea to reality. Well now I have…but I did have to be pregnant for 9 months first. So, after experiencing 127 horrific side effects from pregnancy really the only good side effect of giving birth is losing weight; oh, and having the actual baby. And on that note Baby Bear is real. After 32 hours of labour, a mirage of a vision (a man named Daryl who came to administer my epidural) and a trip in to theatre Baby Bear was finally born. And two days early which meant that I was still in my 30’s when I became a mum which means that Baby Bear was 4 days old on the day that I turned 40 which means that my birthday didn’t really happen which means that I am not actually 40.

I won’t go in to detail of the birth but I will, in Steve Redgrave style, say that if I ever go near a boat again you can shoot me. The boat being pregnancy for those of you who don’t understand; the Redgrave saying comes from just after his fourth Olympics I believe. He went on to win a 5th Olympic Gold four years later – possibly wrong choice of words for me then! Childbirth is horrific. Fact. The midwife asked me if I had thought about contraception yet – I informed her that stitches were the best contraception in the world. And I didn’t get my body back after 9 horrible months; no, my body has now simply turned in to a feeding machine. A feeding machine that is generally covered in sick or dribble or leaking milk or all three. It’s a great feeling they say. Breastfeeding is miraculous and lovely and a joy they say. And men explain how much more convenient it is than bottle feeding. Well I will tell you; you try getting your boobs out every hour and attaching a small being to them to suck the life out of them whilst you sit there thinking of all the other things you could be doing right now. You can’t even drink your tea that you made yourself in preparation because you put it down just out of reach and don’t want to move for fear of the small being un-attaching itself. You also can’t reach the TV remote to watch rubbish day-time telly so you sit and stare in to space and wonder what has happened to your life …… and then you look down in to the small being’s eyes and remember. Yes, this is it.

#JeffTheFern is outside again and has a friend. Another little fern. They seem to be getting along. Despite his new fatherly duties J still tends to Jeff and talks to him and waters him every evening like a doting parent. And doting parent he is to Baby Bear too. Now that really is a joy to watch. Anyway, enough of the slushy stuff.

Unbelievably #UnicornBrexit is still lingering but even more unbelievably there is an actual prospect that some guy called Boris is going to be prime minister. He may well be by the time you read this. My first car was called Boris. It was a car I owned jointly with my brother whilst we were in New Zealand. They have a prime minister called Jacinta. That is a much better name. They also have a World Champion Netball team, a Cricket team who lost very graciously and were generally very Kiwi about the slightly controversial manner in which they lost. They also have two World Champion rugby teams and they produced J. Luckily J does not really get too competitive about his home country sporting teams so we are still happily married. There is still a 50-mph limit on the M20 due to possible #UnicornBrexit; it has also recently been voted the worst motorway in the country. I completely understand why.

So, this brief blog is just for me to get the ball rolling again but I am looking forward to sharing my thoughts and musings with you once more. This mum will not be keeping quiet so, ‘Mum’s Not the Word’ will now be the name of my weekly rambling. By the way, and to clarify, I did put on about 3 stone throughout my pregnancy and was already overweight when I fell pregnant so I have another two stone to lose. In Bridget Jones style I may keep you updated on my progress. I will just eat the mars bar and millionaire shortbread slice that is in my fridge before I do that. And the pack of Edam slices and the pizza and both of the macaroni cheese ready meals. Ad the three loaves of bread. After that I make keep you updated on my progress.

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